Decisions

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

When I am faced with a difficult decision and I don’t know what to do, I go through my own sort of coping mechanisms in a specific order. It’s like the grieving process, but most likely without any precipitating, concurrent, or resultant deaths. Usually.

Remember, this is an important choice I’m preparing to make, so the stakes are theoretically high. As a result, the first thing I do is nothing at all. I seize up. At this first, critical stage of the decision making process, I try to put it out of my mind. I work in the yard, breezily talk about social affairs, and play a video game. Anything to not be distracted by this important matter. And most important of all, I take no action.

Then, when the pressure gauge is starting to read into the red zone, I agonize. I agonize over my choices and most especially the minutiae. How will this affect my balding pattern, who will pick up the dog droppings, and what will the impact be upon the Uncle whom I haven’t seen in 15 years. I also formulate answers to these questions in the form of worst-case scenarios. As an example, my answers to the above might simply be Nuclear Holocaust, Hitler, and Nuclear Holocaust.

Having determined that the worst possible outcome is also the most likely outcome, I decide not to bring about the end of the world by facilitating Hitler’s Nuclear Holocaust and I seek support for my choice. I nervously present my dilemma to everyone who will listen, attempting to seem undecided while passively portraying the nature of the frighteningly likely Nuclear Holocaust. If they agree with me, I am relieved. I have made the right choice and averted certain Nuclear Holocaust. If, however, they rudely insist on not seeing through my façade of objectivity and seem to think Nuclear Holocaust is only remotely likely, I am dismayed.

At this point I have either decided not to perpetrate the Nuclear Holocaust and my cycle of pain is over, or I am required to agonize some more. If the Holocaust remains on my plate, I grow a few more grey hairs in my beard and fret endlessly until I finally come to a choice. This could take a while.

But once my mind is made up, don’t bother to attempt to dissuade me. You had your chance, Mr. Oh-No-The-World-Probably-Won't-Really-End. No, you missed your chance, and I didn’t suffer over the decision for so long just to start again. My mind is made up, and my course is set. Stand aside, for no one shall impede me.

Unless they present me with a difficult choice.